Just breathe… just breathe, you can do this. You have gotten through worse situations than this. These words keep playing over and over in my mind while mindlessly walking with my music on. This is my pep talk? These are the great words to comfort my soul? The music is loud to drown out the noise, yet I still keep getting lost in my thoughts.
HOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNK!!!!!! a soul-jarring noise came from nowhere waking me out of this haze. Looking up I see that I am in the middle of the street and the light is red. I am trying to get my bearings when a middle-aged women waving a perfectly manicured hand out of the drivers’ side window is yelling at me and shaking her head at me in complete disgust.
“Move!” the irate woman is screaming at me and while I move across the street in what feels like slow motion, all I can do is stare at her mouth shouting obscenities while looking so well put together. The irony isn’t lost on me as this woman is clearly is agitated in all her outward perfection. I reach the other side as the white BMW whizzes by me Normally I would yell back but I just don’t have it in me to respond. Doesn’t she know my world is falling apart? Get over yourself.
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Looking out over the water, it is a bit chilly while sitting down on the wooden bench. The fog is in and the Golden Gate Bridge is barely visible.
Chrissy Fields is fairly quiet on a Thursday morning so my brain takes the opportunity to drown in its own thoughts. I feel completely at the end. The end of what I am not sure, but here I am, going in and out of waves of feeling numb and punched in the gut. I keep breathing through the pain. This is what I imagine labor is like. Waves of pain, feeling like something is being ripped from your body, and then a small break. The intellectual part of me knows this will pass, but the human side of me is completely convinced that I am unraveling to the point of no return. This is just a breakup. I see people all the time in the movies handle breakups.
I keep catching myself sighing deeply and telling myself that this is the worst of it, every day it gets better. I am pretty sure I am lying, but I need to believe it. Here I am in my mid-twenties, finding myself in what appears to be a mid-life crisis or quarter-life crisis. Am I going to be ok? I really just want to shake this all off.
I notice a few sailboats seamlessly gliding on the waves making their way to Sausalito. This is a magical place to be falling apart. After all, San Francisco is one of the most beautiful places with the easiest climates. It could certainly be worse. I have the craziest desire to be alone and not alone at the same time. I don’t want to talk, but I also don’t want to let my mind run wild. What is it that people keep saying to me? “It’s your time now.” What does that even mean? I know they mean well, but really I feel like crawling under the covers for a decade. This feels like anything but “my time”.
Slowly I get up from the bench and stretch looking at my Fitbit and tap the screen. There has to be more steps. I set the goal to 12,000 steps to keep on track but maybe I was a bit overreaching on that one. I suck at this. There is a fine line between setting goals and setting myself up for the ultimate guilt fest. It is debatable which camp I am in currently. Putting my headphones back into place, I hit play on my “happy” playlist. At least the music is happy and maybe some of it will rub off on me while I finish my walk. Following my usual route, I walk out to Point Fort, under the Golden Gate Bridge and then turn around completing a four-mile stretch.
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Reaching the steps of my apartment, I run up the stairs and rush in the front door and dump the cell phone, water bottle and keys on the couch. I know I should be packing right now, so clearly this is the perfect time to get lost in social media and the internet. I google “how to survive a breakup”, and only 18,000,000 results come up. I love the “meditate, don’t medicate” suggestion. Seriously?
I hop on Youtube hoping for better results on looking for how to handle a breakup. This girl is really cool, I could relate to her story.
I grab my favorite coffee mug and filling it with yet another coffee.
It is too late for coffee but I can’t help it, coffee soothes my soul. Did you know it was national cappuccino day? I have proof while going down the rabbit hole of social media I found these. This donut looks amazing. And how many ways can we make avocado toast, really??
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There is light spilling into the apartment through the windows onto the white oversized chair next to a potted fig leaf tree. The new sofa couch is nestled right next to a beautiful bay window. Pinterest perfect where minimalism meets comfort. And for what? What if I have to find a new place to live in the city especially with the rental prices so high? Can I just wake up from this bad dream?
I don’t really have time to think about this right now so I am just going to watch “morning routine Youtube videos “ (a guilty pleasure) while I pack. Grabbing a pad of paper I write down everything I can think of that I will need for a week in NYC. I agreed to this training before Ryan left. Now it doesn’t feel like such a good idea. How am I supposed to learn and be social when all I want to do is fall in bed, covers over my head, and blissfully check out? Three years he just threw away. I am so confused because we just picked out and bought a new couch , all the while he knew that he was accepting a new job and moving to LA, without me. I look at my ring finger and notice how plain it looks without my rose gold Princess cut diamond engagement ring. I am beyond confused, devastated and just plain fuming. How could I not have seen this coming? I put my hand down and pick up the remote… Ryan, I just can’t even think of him right now.
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Three hours later, four Top Chef episodes in and the bags are finally packed and Uber is on the way. I’m heading to the airport, movies, and books downloaded, and hopefully, every device with its charging cord is packed. I downloaded this Spotify playlist to listen to on the plane.
I packed my reading material and a favorite journal. I need lots of variety to keep my mind off of all of this.
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I really can’t decide whether this New York trip should be considered perfect or the worst timing ever. I definitely think it will be nice to get a change of scenery during this transition, but I am worried about my head being screwed on straight during this important work opportunity. I guess only time will tell how this trip bodes for me.
Pictures Taken and Written by Traci Hines Co-Founder of Modern Soul Society. www.modernsoulsociety.com
Copyright Modern Soul Society, LLC 2018.
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